Hello there you beautiful souls,
I’ve been on a transformative healing journey for the past few years and I feel called to share my story to offer some learnings in the hope that it could potentially help someone feel less alone in their own mental health struggles. I am a Postpartum Depression (PPD) survivor and a recovering people pleaser / perfectionist, and I hope my story can support you along your own journey.
Most of my life I have been a positive bright energy to myself and to the people around me. I would always wake up happy and joy was apart of every part of my being. My husband and I had relocated to Florida from New York and bought a home and were excited about this next chapter for us. We found out I was pregnant in early 2020 right around the time the world was entering the pandemic and amidst all of the fears and uncertainty, I remained positive and excited about growing our family. Soon after my daughter was born, I started experiencing anxiety. It was extremely overwhelming for me since I have never consciously experienced anxiety and at first I didn’t know what was happening to me. I thought the intrusive thoughts and overwhelming feelings would just go away with time. At 6 months postpartum, I was desperate to feel better and my OB prescribed me an anti-depressant medication, found a therapist (virtual) and started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I was extremely isolated due to the pandemic and this unfortunately was a major factor in going undiagnosed for such a long period of time before I was able to understand the severity of my situation and seek support.
In the first few months of therapy, I learned so much about how to connect with myself and search for the feeling behind the fear/anxiety that I was experiencing. It was pretty much me learning how to identify and talk about my authentic feelings which was a fairly new concept to me. It was helpful to have someone validate my feelings and encourage me to explore them and not judge them. My therapist helped me identify my triggers and I started to see glipses of hope for a healthier version of myself, but I had no idea how much work it would take for me to get there. At this point in my journey I was hoping that my therapist would simply “fix” my anxiety and that one day I would just wake up and it would be gone. I was resisting asking myself the hard questions because part of me, didn’t want to know the answers. I didn’t feel much relief honestly, the process of identifying my triggers was so stressful that I felt like I was in a constant state of overwhelm.
At the time I wasn’t aware of how badly my anxiety was manifesting in my physical health, and I experienced my first panic attack summer of 2022 (about 6 months after starting therapy). I was 33 years old and this moment will forever be a pivotal moment in my life. It was traumatic to the deepest level of my being and I whole heartily believe that I was meant to experience it to wake myself up to the severity of how badly my mental health was effecting my physical health. I had chosen to be a full time mom and had so much doubt that I was capable for the job. I truly believed that I was an awful mother and not capable of caring for my daughter or myself. I consider this similar to a near death experience because at one point I believed I was dying. The weeks/months following were the lowest of my lows. My body was literally starving weighting around 92 lbs and seeing that number on the scale was a defining moment of realizing something major had to change. I had some really hard conversations with myself and realized that nobody was coming to save me, it was up to me to save myself and get healthy not just for me, but for my family. My husband supported our family in so many ways that saved us, and I slowly began my recovery…
At this point, I could barely leave my house and walk down the street in my neighborhood without going into a panic attack. I changed therapists to someone with experience with PPD + panic disorder and switched meds to Lexapro daily and Klonopin for panic. I stopped drinking coffee cold-turkey (one of the hardest things I have ever experienced) and alcohol, and started to dive into learning about nutrition and how to fuel my bodies energy through food. The mind + body connection and the nervous system were fascinating to me and I was eager to learn more about how I could support mine to a healthier place. The most essential thing in my recovery was starting a morning routine, I was dedicated to doing it every morning as a way to rebuild my confidence with myself. I would start my mornings with EFT tapping to help ease my anxiety since I was waking up panicky. I would then make myself breakfast, walk my dog (while listening to a walking meditation), make my bed and get dressed/ready for the day. Some days doing these few things took all my energy to complete. I practiced grounding techniques throughout the day to keep me in the present moment, and I started checking in with myself to see what I needed and then honored that need. This was the first time in my life that I started to challenge the stories that I had been conditioned to tell myself and seek truth in all areas of my life. I was awakening and I slowly started to see glimmers of light…
I had learned by this point that just talking about my triggers/anxieties was not enough, I had to do more. So the real work began, learning how to set healthy boundaries. This concept was new to me and it was reassuring to learn that it was actually healthy to put my needs first. As a recovering people pleaser, it is very challenging to unlearn the need to please others, and learn healthy ways to process and cope with the complex emotions that arise. It took and continues to take so much practice and having the support and reassurance of my therapist and the life changing book The Book of Boundaries was essential in navigating those difficult conversations when I felt truly alone as a cycle-breaker, determined to break free from unhealthy multi-generational family patterns. I was determined to create a healthy and peaceful life for myself, husband and daughter and I started to feel small glimmers of peace with being misunderstood. I slowly started to feel relief, finally. After over a year of struggling I was finally starting to sleep better and waking up in the morning without debilitating anxiety. This alone, reassured me I was on the right path and to keep going!!!
This period in my life was essentially a rebirth because I had to rebuild the confidence with myself from the ground up. I tried my best to let go of judging where I was at, and shifted my mindset more to the “doing”. I always felt better when I did the thing that my anxiety was telling me I wasn’t capable of, even though some days it felt impossible. I was getting stronger and diving deep into the wellness world to expand my knowledge and started incorporating some healthier habits into my daily life. I was mindful on doing one thing from each of these categories EVERY DAY and started to feel so many positive shifts within my body + mind.
- Movement (yoga, walk, bike or dance)
- Outside time for grounding (barefoot on the earth)
- Nourish my body (protein smoothie, bone broth or tea)
- Nourish my brain (read my kindle, listen to a podcast or journal)
After a year of therapist #2, I felt that I needed more and she fully supported my efforts to find deeper support. I had read about body healing therapy techniques to help support healing on a somatic level and was very curious about it. One day, I was listening to a podcast about C-PTSD and EMDR on my way home and happened to see a brand new psychotherapy practice with a sign reading “accepting new patients”. I immediately had this matter of fact feeling that I was meant to be there. This feeling was my intuition and I was so overwhelmed with happiness to be able to hear her, when for so many years she was overpowered by my anxious thoughts. I struggled for so long to differentiate my intuition from my anxious thoughts and in this moment, I was reminded of the peace and gentleness that comes along with messages from my intuition.
I was so excited and anxious about embarking on EMDR but knew this was the next step to continue healing. EMDR is a type of psychotherapy that helps rewire the subconscious parts of our brain to address past trauma and suppressed emotions, and by this point in my journey, I was identifying that I was experiencing C-PTSD (Complex post-traumatic stress disorder) symptoms from many experiences in my life, from childhood and beyond. My therapist uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) along side this technique which honestly is where the magic happens — it’s a way of reframing that our fears are essentially our protective parts activated and we are led by a core “self” that is our most loving pure essence. It made so much sense to me to view my anxieties as just a part of me and not my entire being, and learning how to view my anxieties from the nurturing gentleness of my core “self” has been game changing for me. I’ve learned that if we are anxious or depressed it’s because our unconscious mind is referring to memories of our past. Our minds have been conditioned to a certain neurology because of our past experiences. It’s a program. And the good news is that a program can be changed.
I am a few months into therapy #3 and I’ve already felt a significance shift in my mental health. The moment I walked into the office for my first session I could feel deeply that good things were coming for me, and it has given me so much understanding for myself and my past experiences, and hope for this more awakened version of myself. A version of myself that is compassionate towards myself, has the ability to self-regulate and has tools to manage the inevitable anxieties and triggers that will arise throughout the rest of my life. I am finally at a place on my journey where I am looking forward to things and approaching them with curiosity and excitement instead of avoidance and fear. Nothing is more beautiful than seeing yourself excited about the small things again, responding rather than reacting and healing from what used to hurt. I can finally see my life in all its full beauty and the biggest gift from this work is a deep knowing that I am the best mother for my daughter, and even better, I have this inspiring story to share with her so that maybe one day, as she walks through her life’s challenges, she won’t feel alone as I did.
Sending love and light to anyone experiencing the darkness of PPD, anxiety + depression. You are not alone. We are in this together, and the first step is asking for help.
~ Healing Resources ~
Finding a Therapist/Psychiatrist:
- Better Beginnings (for Florida residents only)
Podcasts:
Books:
Affirmation Cards:
Articles:
Videos:
Meditations:
- Insight Timer (Free)
Hi! I just read this. Beautiful. I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to learn more about you. We have more in common than I knew.
Thank you so much for reading my story. I’m so sorry that you have walked a similar path — sending love!